My Job Has Become Toxic

It really does feel that way. Upon arriving at work this morning I could just feel the waves of anxiety roll through me. As I read through the e-mails I could feel the adrenaline filling me. I have done this job for years, 15 years. It is everything that does not come natural to me. It is fast paced, it requires a lot of organization, I have to deal with all kinds of people, most of whom are also way stressed out. Everything is ridiculous and a waste of time and blown way out of proportion. How have I done this for so long? The person I work with everyday is so completely opposite to my personality, and that in itself is taking a toll on me. This is a person who will tell you every detail of her health regardless how humiliating or disgusting. She is a person who will find endless amusement in the fact that we have worn the same color shirt one day. She will laugh like a hyena over any reference to a penis, breasts, ass or poop or any other stupid childish thing. And her work sucks.

You know when you have to pee really bad, and when you get near a toilet, when relief is in sight, it becomes especially unbearable? That's where I'm at with this job. I'm finally near a bathroom. It ain't funny.

And tomorrow morning at 9 am everyone in the department has been invited to participate in a teleconference with the big cheese. Please, please, put me out of my misery.

Meanwhile, I have stopped drinking. Here is what I miss about it. It is actually an activity. It was a thing my husband and I did together, an after work ritual. "Honey," he would say. "You want a drink?" and I would say yes. He would either get a bucket ready, fill it with ice and water and open a bottle of white wine, or he would mix a cocktail. Now, after work feels a little disjointed without this ritual. But what also has happened is I have a lot of energy. I am up late (It is 12:03 am) I am agitated and thinking a lot. It may seem counter intuitive, but I feel that I want to be wide awake for all of this. I don't want to be sedated. You might think this would be an ideal time to work in an art journal, but I can't do it. Yesterday I picked up a quilt that I started last year. I had it and some strips that I had sewn together, that needed to be attached, hanging from a clothesline in the basement. I sewed together those pieces and spread it out over the bed. This thing is not nearly wide enough. What was I going to do? What was my original plan? If there are more pieces to sew to this, where are they? I believe my concentration may have been ruined forever.

Which reminds me, I am dropping my college class. Fuck it. I got a bill from the college, and I had already paid it. So I called the bursar and argued the point, until it became apparent that I had not paid it. That was last semester. It seemed like yesterday. That's because it takes so long to submit the paper work and get the thing approved, that it had just been completed on August 8. You can see why it felt like I just paid it. I'm just doing too many things. I really need to let go and chill out. I was feeling bad, because it is my last chance to take a college class. See how diligent I am? So that's it, I'm going to be a giant slacker and NOT take a college class. Evil! Slut! Bitch!