The Fertile Void

I'm reading this book called "50 is the New Fifty" It's a book that makes you understand that your life is at a crossroads, everything is about to change, you have no idea what's coming, hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. It is perfect for me right now. The author's name is Suzanne Braun Levine. I recommend it if you are a certain age and you really do feel like... what I just said.

I had some "women's trouble" surgery on Thursday, right after getting home from a little weekend in Cape May. I had been fretting about the surgery, even though this is a very common procedure and they kick you out as soon as you wake up. Part of what was freaking me was the anesthesia. The last time I had it was when I was 8 years old and I had my tonsils out. I think it was ether, and made me throw up later.This time I had an IV in my arm already, and the anesthesiologist said he would give me some Ibuprophen and an anti nausea medicine along with the knock out juice. As the medicine was going through my vein, it was hurting. The doctor could see i was uncomfortable, and rubbed my arm. At that moment I felt something wipe across my brain. It was the stuff. I said, that works fast. A few minutes later they roused me, I guess they were going to give me some further instruction? No, the operation was done! I laughed. 

I was a little groggy, but I just felt better as the day went on. I sat my ass on the couch and watched DVD after DVD of Ken Burns the Civil War. I felt so indulgent, wicked almost. I had Friday off, and by then it was like it never happened. 

I am making this event, or non event, kind of the beginning of a new phase in my life. As Suzanne calls it, my Fertile Void. I would say that very soon I will know my fate as far as my job goes. It seems very real that we will be made contractors. Get this, they call it being "re-badged." How's that for a giant load of crap? I was expecting to be bridged to retirement, meaning that I will get my pension somehow, either in a lump sum to be invested, or monthly when I become retirement age. Most people elect to get the lump sum. Who knows if there will be pensions when I finally retire. The other thing you can count on is severance pay based on your years of service. For me, that's like 6 months pay. Not a bad consolation prize. But wait! They've made a new rule. If you get laid off, that is the case, but if you get RE-BADGED, then it is 50%. Hey, wait a minute, rip off! Those bastards. This went into effect as of August 1, although we did not hear about it until just this week. 

Meanwhile, my department is re-branding itself. We are changing our look and out colors and our mission statement. W are supposed to have our picture taken and bring along props that show our personality. Can you believe they are doing this in the middle of this turmoil?? 

I really want to quit. I want to try my hand at voice over work. I would gladly be the person who reads books on tape. Everyone is so scared. Everyone says, they are glad we will at least still have jobs. But I already work so hard at this job, do they expect me to do this job the same way with reduced benefits and likely new pay? At least I would like to do something different. I really can't take it any more. 

So that is where I'm at. and I have suddenly quit drinking. Seemed like a good idea. I think I need to purify myself.